Looking Past The Shadows Of His Mind
by autumnconfusion
Summary: Surrounded by the perfect family, Dougie finds himself struggling. Desire for something he cannot have keeps him awake until Harry decides it’s gone too far. A Poynter/Judd OneShot. Mention of Fletcher/Jones.


**Disclaimer**: I don't own McFly  
**A/N:** One of my older stories. Decided to post them on here. Enjoy! xxx

**~ Looking Past The Shadows Of His Mind ~**

The sky was light blue with here and there a white, fluffy cloud. The temperature outside was mild, not too warm but not too cold either, just perfect for this country. A breeze played with the green leaves of the trees in the garden and tickled the white curtains when they moved in rhythm with the wind, being pushed aside and soon they fell back to place when the breeze left, now playfully hitting the white sheets of paper and they fell on the floor with a soft weesh sound.

The tiny man rolled his eyes, collecting the papers from the floor as he cleaned the mess, and put it back on the modern black desk, placing the half full cup (with Tigger on) on top to make sure it wouldn't happen again. Slim fingers graced over the surface as he watched the pictures in the frames and he smiled, the sound of a child's laughter coming from the garden and flew through the open balcony door. He took a few steps towards it, wondering…

Outside, a five year old girl ran across the garden, her white dress hopping up and down as she ran, arms spread out as she pretended to fly. Her golden hair bounced on her back, the curls wilder than usual when another breeze entangled its fingers in it. She squealed in delight when two strong arms wrapped around her, pushing her into the air and let her fall down into his chest, hugging her tightly as she grabbed his shoulders, planting a happy kiss on the cheeks of her father, brown eyes locking with the chocolate ones, a dimple appearing as she laughed again.

"Again, daddy, again!"

"I'm not sure if daddy can, princess," his amusing voice replied and he tugged her hair behind her ears, one arm keeping her up against his own body while he twirled around with her, another careless laugh thrown into the air, to the balcony where he stood.

Dougie's eyes focused on the picture perfect in the garden and even though his face seemed relaxed, there was a slight hint of tension as his knuckles turned white from grabbing the banister tight, almost screaming a silent "no".

"Please, daddy!"

Tom obeyed, carefully throwing her back into the air and grabbed her again, swinging her in his arms and kissed her nose. A smile graced his face and she poked her little finger into the dimple that now appeared in his cheek and he chuckled, bending down as he pretended he'd let her drop on the floor and she screamed, little hands suddenly clutching the black Star Wars shirt tightly between her tiny fingers. He kissed her nose again and put her on the ground, patting her golden hair and watched as she ran away towards the house and Dougie knew that her uncle would be standing there, always making sure she was okay. Almost like a father and in some ways, he knew again, he was – replacing the mother that had long been gone.

Dougie sighed and turned away, back hitting the banister and he bit his lip until he could taste the sour taste of blood when he heard the strong accent asking about her day. He'd never have something this beautiful. He would never hear a little voice scream daddy and mean Dougie. He would never wrap his arms around a tiny body and stare into the sky blue eyes that were his and those facts made him sad, his expression changing while he closed the balcony door, the sun slowly disappearing behind the roofs of the houses, the sky tinting into a soft orange.

~ x ~

Slim fingers touched the piano keys quickly as the blonde played, eyes closed and body slowly swinging with the rhythm and the force he used to play passionately. The young child bounced eagerly, her hands ready to clap but were hold back to her stomach by dark dotted and large hands that were wrapped around her and pressed her into his own body, blue eyes sparkling in admiration.

He stood carelessly at the back of the room, arms crossed over his chest and one leg pressed against the wall as he listened, recognising one of the many talents the older blonde was blessed with. He watched the scene in front of him, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth but at the same time, his eyes were filled with an unexplainable emotion, an expression that screamed something completely else; a look that said that it was painful to be standing here, painful to be a part of this and yet, not quite really belonging here.

Dougie blinked away the stinging feeling, hoping that the lump that had formed in his throat would disappear but he was out of luck today. He could see how the perfect little girl cheered when her father finished the song and bowed, to play along with her and again, the strong wish to have something this beautiful, made his eyes well up.

Tom lived for his daughter. He would get up and prepare breakfast, making eggs into a figure, slicing her bread in triangles or he would attend one of her many tea parties. Nothing was too much for him, getting up for her and going to sleep with the thought of her. He would put everything aside if it meant she would smile and Dougie, always a spectator, would feel the warm feeling that embraced this family, warming up his own heart but at the same time, always leaving an ache, a coldness that couldn't warm up.

"Uncle Dougie?"

He looked down as she tugged at his hand, watching him closely and he could read the question in her mesmerizing deep brown eyes. He smiled at her and picked her up and walked back to Tom and Danny but before he could get one step closer, a hand fell upon his shoulder and he turned around, looking in the cold blues of the drummer. His smile faded and, shaking his head, stepped away, letting the hand drop lifelessly before he walked to the other pair, giving the girl back to Tom.

"Thank you, Dougs," he said softly, holding her close to his body and rocked her carefully, knowing that bedtime was getting nearer with the minute – yet, he looked worried to the other blonde. He had seen how Dougie had stepped away from Harry and wondered why.

Dougie pushed his teeth together, his expression hardening and hoped in silence Tom wouldn't say anything. A sigh of relief escaped when Tom told his daughter to kiss Danny goodnight, no longer looking at Dougie and he walked back, hurrying (too late) to the door for an escape. He winced as he heard the high voice wishing Danny goodnight and how the accent rolled in reply: "Sweet dreams, love."

~ x ~

The night had settled, its darkness spread over the country. The sky was just as cloudless as the day before and the many stars could be seen from the room he was in. The balcony door was open again in order to keep the room filled with fresh air, the air inside the room being a bit too dense otherwise. Slowly, ever so slowly, the bright half moon changed positions, walking across the sky when time grew nearer towards the morning.

He listened to the soft breathing next to him and he knew that he wasn't the only one awake in this room when the breathing never hit the irregularity it should have and no matter how anxious he had been at the beginning when the strong arm had wrapped around his stomach, he was now relaxed, enjoying the warmth coming from the body next to him now he knew he wouldn't have to face the talk that was lingering in the air – not yet, at least.

Dougie wasn't ready to confess his feelings, not ready to form his idea – his thoughts – into perfect sentences that could express what he felt, confused still as he tried to deal with it all on his own. He knew he wasn't good and he wanted to be prepared when he had to be.

Hard lips brushed against his naked shoulder blade and Dougie closed his eyes, blocking out the little lights from the sky and swallowed slowly, the pace of his heart beat already increased when their hands twisted together as an union and he was pulled closer until almost every inch of his back touched the perfect muscled chest.

They stayed in silence and Dougie opened his eyes again, waiting for Harry to fall asleep but he knew it wouldn't happen tonight. He could feel the doubt coming from Harry, could hear the questions and though he was aware of the situation, aware that he was confusing Harry, making him worried, now was not the time.

A nose was pushed into the back of his neck and goose bumps appeared on the younger man's arms when he felt the damp breath against his skin. He snuggled closer, a smile forming when a lazy kiss was placed on the exact same spot. He forgot his thoughts for a moment, enjoying the new feeling that erupted from his stomach, setting his insides ablaze.

Dougie turned around and was slightly surprised to end up watching into the eyes of his boyfriend. They both leaned closer and their lips touched, fitting perfectly and he pulled away again, a tired puff of air leaving his lips as he pushed his head underneath Harry's chin, his lips lingering over the crater at Harry's throat, right below his Adam's apple.

Feeling Harry's heartbeat underneath his pale hand, made him sleepy. Boom-boom...boom-boom. Harry seemed to sense this and grabbed the thin blankets, wrapping them around their bodies while he held Dougie tight against his own. His rough finger brushed his cheeks until Dougie closed his eyes again, the moonlight only shining on them and nothing else as the room stayed hidden in the darkness.

"Are you okay?" Harry suddenly asked.

Dougie stirred for a moment before he replied, hoping that his voice sounded certain and didn't quiver as much as he could hear it.

"Yes, Harry."

Harry squeezed him for a second and placed a soft kiss in his hair.

"Alright, baby. Try to sleep."

~ x ~

Dougie counted the minutes as soon as the morning sun's first beam lit up the room. He was nervous for the questions that would come with the new day and he waited impatiently for Harry to yawn and stretch his muscles, for the confrontation that was bound to happen.

He could hear how Tom's little princess woke up half an hour later, the soft – yet very audible – footsteps from her excited run towards Tom's bedroom bouncing in the air. He could imagine how she'd jump into the bed, demanding that her daddy would wake up, that sleeping was for lazy arses and Dougie chuckled, knowing that she could have quite a mouth sometimes; only because he was sure she had heard Tom saying it an awful lot of times every time Danny had to wake up for work.

"What's so funny?" Harry asked in a yawn, eyes still closed as he was still between two worlds.

Dougie stayed quiet, the amusement quickly disappearing when his earlier feelings came back, forcing him back to reality, back to the problem.

"Pugs, baby?"

Now the eyes opened, concern written in them as he stared at Dougie who seemed to be paling with the minute. The sun blocked Harry's view and he placed his hand over his eyes, his gaze remaining on the bassist as he waited, a knot in his stomach for he didn't know what was going on, scared that there was something really bad and he felt useless to the situation, already knowing that he couldn't help even if he didn't know what this was all about.

Dougie shook his head, muttered that Harry should go back to sleep that it was still too early but Harry wouldn't be Harry if he wasn't a morning person and he pulled himself up to his elbows and the sun no longer blocked his view, his hand now lifting Dougie's chin so he had to face Harry.

"I'm here for you, you know that, right?"

"Morning breath," Dougie only said and pulled himself away, feet stepping down on the cold floor and he walked quickly to the bathroom, escaping everything again. Not ready, not yet.

Harry frowned and fell down on the mattress again when he tried to find out what this was all about. This had been going on for too long. He had stayed patient, knowing that Dougie sometimes needed time to find the perfect words, to find the perfect mood to voice his thoughts but this had been taking too long. It was time to poke.

His knuckles touched the door and he waited.

"Dougie?"

Dougie flinched at the sound of his voice and looked at himself in the mirror, the bags underneath his eyes very clear in the light of the room. He let the water run from the tap and splashed the cold water into his face, hoping this would make everything better, both his looks and confused mind.

"Dougie, could you let me in," Harry tried again. "I need a wee."

The blonde grabbed a towel before he opened the door, letting Harry inside and immediately, he knew that Harry had tricked him as the door closed and two arms folded over his chest. Dougie swallowed and looked away from the stern looking man at the door, rubbing his face dry.

"I don't want to-,"

"I know," Harry whispered and stepped away from the door, hands touching the tanned arms, fingers gracing over the skin, over the tattoo and down to the stomach before they wrapped around the tiny waist.

"It's difficult."

Dougie pulled away from the embrace and grabbed his toothbrush, glad at the excuse to not talk yet as he pushed it into his mouth and started to brush them but as always, Harry didn't give up and waited until he finished. His hands were taken by Harry's and unwillingly, he let himself being dragged to the bedroom again, to the balcony where everything seemed much more spacious. Dougie wondered if Harry had known he'd felt a bit claustrophobic the moment Harry had walked into the bathroom.

A few minutes ticked by and they didn't say anything. Harry waited for Dougie and Dougie searched for the perfect way to start. He felt vulnerable as he sat there, the chilly air licking at his bare skin, Harry's eyes almost penetrating him but he didn't feel uncomfortable, at least something he didn't have to face.

The door to the garden opened downstairs and soon the air was filled again with cheerful laughter when the little girl screamed, letting the dew from the morning touch her feet.

"Annie, come back inside!"

"But daddy-,"

"No, sweetie, you need to get dressed first."

"Tom," Danny laughed, "just let her play. It's not like the neighbours can see."

Dougie sighed and looked down, trying not to think about the scene downstairs before he got up and walked back into the room, Harry following close. He wrapped his arms around Dougie and pulled him into his chest, his lips brushing against Dougie's shoulders.

"Baby, talk to me, please," Harry whispered and Dougie could hear the pain, well hidden but not enough for his skilled ear so he inhaled, opening his mouth as he tried to speak, to explain what was going on but how could he tell Harry this? Admitting to the truth would hurt him and not only him, but himself as well. Dougie knew it would cause scars in their relationship if he gave in and he didn't want that, he wanted everything the way it was and push away the desire, his new dream.

He shook his head, closing his mouth again. Not today.

~ x ~

Tom and Danny were out for the night, something about a musical Tom was dying to see and he wanted nothing else than Danny to come along with him. Dougie and Harry had both laughed at Danny as he had pulled a face earlier that evening while he was dragged towards the car, already getting a long speech that he had to behave and not burp whenever it pleased him.

Harry had waved, holding Annie in his arms as the car drove away and disappeared at the corner.

Now the three of them were packed together in the bathroom, preparing Annie for her night as they washed her, Dougie playing with the yellow duck but she kept grabbing Nemo, giggling as she splashed the water with the toy. Dougie laughed, not really caring he'd be soaked wet by the time Harry finished washing her hair.

He lifted her from the water and Harry quickly wrapped a fluffy towel around her wet body, rubbing her skin dry and she struggled against them, wanting to go back into the water when she declared not to be sleepy at all.

"I don't care, little girl," Harry told her. "Daddy said you have to go to bed now."

"But daddy's not here," she spoke, her eyes twinkling and Dougie grabbed her pink pyjamas, taking a leg and fought with her to get it into the trousers.

Harry rolled his eyes, "Annie, don't be like this. You know it's bedtime."

After another struggle and some hard, stern words from Harry, Annie gave up and was ready for bed in no time. Harry announced he'd bring her to bed, knowing Dougie would give in the moment she'd suggest to play hide and seek and carried her to bed, leaving Dougie behind in the bathroom.

The blonde sighed, looking at the mess but he didn't care, loving this girl and her fits. He could never be angry with her and he wondered if he'd be annoyed if it had been his own daughter. Probably after the tenth time he'd see past the perfection but he settled with a no, he wouldn't be annoyed, if only to be stubborn with his own mind.

Slowly, he starting cleaning up the room despite the fact Harry would do it all over again as soon as he came back from putting Annie to bed. He had to do something to occupy his mind with. He was tired of thinking; tired of wishing and the many sleepless nights didn't help either.

Harry arrived again and told him he could go to bed because he'd clean up the rest and Dougie nodded and left, too busy with thinking again. He wondered when this feeling had started, when his mind had decided he wanted to be a dad too. There used to be a time that he thought he'd never get kids just because he didn't feel like it. He couldn't see himself as a father to begin with, so why had this feeling settled in the pit of his stomach? And when?

He figured that it had to do with Tom's daughter and if he would be really open to his pondering, he would realise that the feeling had started to grow the moment she had started talking and said his name for the first time, a warm feeling spreading over his whole body, his fingers buzzing with the excitement that she was growing, feeling proud and then out of nowhere, the thought had struck him that she was not his daughter, not his blood – not his.

A kiss against his forehead made him look up and he blinked, looking straight into Harry's eyes and he frowned, wondering how long he had been thinking again. He realised he was standing on the balcony again when the wind played with his hair and Harry brushed it out of his face.

Dougie tiptoed, kissing Harry's lips carefully before he rested his head against the muscled chest. He enjoyed the embrace for a few minutes, as he felt safe between those strong arms. The weight fell off his shoulders when he relaxed, Harry's fingertips brushing the skin underneath his t-shirt. He could smell Harry's odour and he pressed his lips against the fabric.

Harry shifted a bit until he sat down on the garden chair and pulled Dougie on his lap. His warm hands touched Dougie's skin, making him shiver at the contrast of the chilly air but nevertheless he let Harry pull the t-shirt over his head, let his eyes grace over his tanned chest until he bowed his head and kissed the tattoo right above his nipple.

Dougie breathed out, closing his eyes and leaned his forehead against Harry's.

"Is she sleeping?" He asked and felt Harry nodding. Dougie pulled Harry closer, his hands eager to get Harry into the same situation but he stopped Dougie, shaking his head. When Dougie wanted to ask, he could see what was bothering him.

The bassist had hoped that Harry had forgotten what had happened two weeks ago but it was clear it was a fake hope he had hold onto when he looked into the sad eyes.

"Pugs, I can't let you be like this," he said, his voice fill with sadness, almost croaking as he tried to stay strong. "I've tried to figure you out, but I can't. I don't understand what makes you so sad. Am I doing something wrong? Am I hurting you?"

Dougie's eyes widened in shock and he immediately shook his head as he stuttered his reply.

"No, god no, please, Harry. It's not your fault. It's me; it's all about me. You're perfect. You're not hurting me."

"Then tell me what's wrong, baby," Harry tried, fingers touching Dougie's face as he cupped it, eyes shining with unshed tears. "I want to know. I want to be there for you."

Dougie swallowed, his own emotions starting to make their way and he let go of a shaky sigh before he kissed Harry, trying to tell him that way it was okay but Harry pushed him away, almost angrily as he looked back at him and could read the annoyed expression.

"A kiss won't solve this, Dougie,"

And he knew that Harry was right.

Dougie looked up and found himself searching for the stars but tonight, the sky was clouded, packed with many dark grey clouds and there hung thunder in the air. He bit his bottom lip, his eyes scanning everything but Harry, trying to search for yet another escape but when Harry tightened his hold on Dougie's hips, he understood now was the moment whether he liked it or not. And maybe it was for the best. Dougie knew that this was starting to affect their relationship.

A finger brushed his chin and Dougie focused on Harry.

"What's going on in your head," he whispered, giving Dougie somewhere to begin.

"So much, Haz," Dougie sighed and buried his head in the man's shoulder. "So much."

"Just take it one step at a time. I won't run away."

The first crackle of lightening sounded in the distance, lighting up the dark sky and a few seconds later the loud rumble of thunder rolled over the house. It was only a matter of time now before Annie would wake up crying, wanting nothing else than her daddy to be there, no-one would manage to soothe her but him. Or Danny. Dougie hoped they wouldn't stay away long.

"I want something," he decided to begin with, closing his eyes.

"Whatever you want, Pugs," Harry answered, his voice full of truth whilst he stroked the back of his neck.

Dougie shook his head and looked up at him, his voice breaking. "It's not something you can give."

He felt like falling apart at that moment, his breath stuck in his throat when his tears finally fell, everything becoming too much when he'd spoken out the truth he had tried to escape from for months now. It felt too real now.

Harry straightened in the chair when he heard the words and felt the warm tear drop on his arm. He panicked and held Dougie closer, urging him to go on so he could understand, somehow hoping he could take away the pain that was hurting his Dougie, wanting to make everything alright. Harry didn't want to think about the part where Dougie had told him he couldn't give it. He could give everything, anything, whatever he wanted.

"I want-," he waited a bit. "I want what Tom and Danny have."

Harry frowned, ignoring as the first raindrop splashed open on his face. He thought quickly, trying to figure out what Tom and Danny had and they hadn't. He couldn't find anything.

"What do you want, Pugs?"

He brushed his nose against Dougie's, hoping it would calm down the younger man but with no luck as Dougie almost choked on his next words, as if it hurt to say it out loud and as soon as they were thrown in the air between them, Harry realised the pain, feeling the same, familiar ache settling in his own heart, it hurting more than ever now he knew that Dougie was right.

"I want an Annie, too!"

Harry dug his nails into Dougie's neck, biting his lip hard. He had been scared this would happen but never had he thought it would happen this soon and now the truth was finally spoken, he realised it made sense why Dougie had been reluctant every time he had to witness Tom, Danny and the cute little girl.

"I know," Harry whispered, his own voice fill with emotion now too. "I know you do, baby. I can't – I can't give…I'm so sorry, Dougie!"

Dougie nodded; he had been prepared for this but still, it hurt more to hear it coming from Harry. Cursing his friends as jealousy overtook his rational thinking.

"But why?!" he sniffed. "Why can they have a baby?"

Harry kissed Dougie then, more passionate than ever before as their tears mixed with the rain. They both knew there weren't answers to his questions and if there were, it would hurt more. There was an explanation as to why, because of Tom's past but they had sworn that past would never been racked up again. Not even when Tom and Danny weren't around.

Dougie held Harry tight, their chests touching and their kiss broke off when lightening struck, immediately followed by a deafening thunder and a second later, the crying from Annie reached their ears.

They jumped to their feet, quickly running to the room and turned on the light. Dougie's heart skipped a beat when he saw the little girl curled up in the corner of her bed, shaking while she cried. He reached for her and took her into his arms, Harry sat down next to him, trying to calm her down but she continued, unable to listen to a voice that wasn't her father's.

Dougie looked at Harry, starting to panic now as well.

"What are we going to do?"

Harry looked around and shook his head in defeat, not knowing either and they both rocked and soothed her, hoping that Tom and Danny would be back soon while the thunderstorm grew, lighting up the room in a horrifying white light. No wonder this girl was scared as even Dougie flinched, throwing the blanket over his head.

A minute later, the front door was thrown closed and the thick accent rolled through the house.

"Annie!"

It only lasted a few seconds before Danny turned up in the room and reached for the crying girl in Harry's lap, his large arms wrapping around her as he rocked her.

"It's okay, princess, Daddy will be here in a minute."

Annie didn't seem to relax but held Danny tightly, wincing as yet another thunder escaped from the sky.

A moment later and Tom arrived in the bedroom, soaked wet as he touched the girl's cheek, talking to her and promised everything would be fine, that she was safe here with all her men around her. They'd never leave her side and Danny stepped into the bed, still holding the little girl as he lay down, Tom quickly following as he pressed himself closer to Danny, keeping Annie in sight, brushing over her eyes to make her feel sleepy.

Harry lied down too, not minding that the bed wasn't made for three grown up men but nevertheless, he pulled Dougie on top of him and so the four of them laid pressed together while Tom kept soothing the little girl through the storm.

Annie sobbed one more time before she took Dougie's finger and used it as a teddy bear, Dougie not moving anymore. The wind was less furious now when she closed her eyes and fell into a restless sleep.

Harry kissed Dougie's head, their conversation from earlier still fresh on their mind but somehow, as Annie slept, her hand still holding on Dougie, Dougie suddenly realised that he had had his own Annie all this time. She didn't have to be his own blood, just like Tom felt like a brother to him, Annie suddenly felt like a daughter, someone Dougie had to keep safe from all the dangers in this world.

He had his Annie, it wasn't just Tom's kid – the four of them were her parents and she'd made that clear now, still unwilling to let go of the safety Dougie seem to be giving her as her hand tightened in her sleep, her other hand holding Danny's finger while her head rested on Tom's chest and Harry's arm rested on her back, carefully rubbing.

As he closed his eyes, he knew that maybe Tom's family may be perfect, he was a part of it in more ways than he had ever thought before. He smiled when he was pulled into his dreams and slept for the first times in months peacefully.

And so the worries drifted away with the dark, stormy clouds and the empty space - now ridden from the cold that used to be there - in Dougie's heart slowly filled with new love and warmth while the first morning sunray entered the room in silence.


End file.
